


Sexorcism

by Evil_Squirrel



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: All Edge No Point, Anal Sex, Condoms, Dorime - Freeform, Homophobia, I Wrote It For The Lulz Not For The Hots, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Weird Euphemisms For Body Parts, one-sided conservative/jordan peterson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:42:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25270333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Squirrel/pseuds/Evil_Squirrel
Summary: Conservative is trying to take the "Homo" out of Homonationalist. So far, it ended with him butt-fucking his friend. This time, it will go differently.
Relationships: Conservative/Homonationalist
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35





	Sexorcism

Conservative stared at the little cross in his palm. He felt that this time he might actually succeed. He got his bottle of holy water he bought in Ancapistan, his pocket version of Bible and one of those temporary tattoo stickers of Jordan Peterson on his right arm. He also prayed to both of the fathers guiding his life. This time, nothing would tempt him. He was ready to dehomosexualize that sinner.

He came in without knocking. Sure, some might say something about good manners, but the Spanish Inquisition wasn’t supposed to be expected. The chamber of sins welcomed him with dim lights, quiet music and order nowhere else in the nationalists’ house to be found, its only redeeming quality. 

“Finally!” Homonationalist rose from his bed, clapping his hands. “I expected you. And I see that you brought props with you! That’s so nice!”

There went his surprise. However, not everything was lost. He could still win this. Conservative looked directly into Homonationalist’s eyes. “I came to save you.”

“You’re not going to drop this, right?” Homonationalist sighed.

“Of course I’m not! Look, the media made you feel that this is going to be part of you for your whole life, but I can save you! You’re not a bad person! I’m sure He would forgive you.”

“Can’t you just admit to yourself that you’re gay and that you like fucking me?” He didn’t know what Homonationalist talked about. He was no victim of homosexualism as he was a good chaste man waiting for his traditional wife to enter his life when God wills so and no, he wasn’t f-hecking him, he was fighting the demon in his body that tempted him. So far, the fight was a draw.

“No.”

“Your choice, I guess,” Homonationalist said, “but if you did so, you would become a happier person.”

Conservative’s feelings on what he just heard were mixed – he found it outrageous that Homonationalist thought he might be happier by engaging in a sinful behavior for it was just false sense of happiness created by the devil, however, Homonationalist appeared to care about his emotional well-being more than anyone else in this house. When he closed the distance between him and Homonationalist, the second feeling was so overpowering he gave him a brotherly kiss. “Thank you for your kindness. I will help you now.” And he poured some of the holy water on Homonationalist’s head.

“My mascara is not waterproof!” He immediately checked his reflection in a mirror on the wall. “Never mind, this is low-key a look.”

“See? This is what media did to you. They taught you vanity. It’s no wonder you do forbidden things.”

“Which forbidden things?” Homonationalist looked at him. “Show me.”

“Like…” Conservative felt ashamed just by thinking about the words he was about to say. “Touching yourself.”

“Show me.” It seemed that if anything, the holy water just emphasized Homonationalist’s ungodliness. It should be criminal for a man to be this tempting. It must’ve been the feminine features highlighted by make-up, not those sharp cheekbones or his muscles or his bratty voice, of course not.

“I can’t show you. Touching yourself is bad!”

“But where?” Homonationalist asked with an innocent expression. He touched his head. “There?” Then his shoulder. “There?” This went on and on, along with him getting rid of his clothes until he touched that part. “There?”

“Yes, there!” Conservative pointed, trying not to stare too much at the other man’s… stick. Why didn’t he stop him before taking off clothes? “Stop touching it, you’ll go to hell!”

“Stop me then.” Oh no. He gave in to the temptation again. When this happened before, Conservative tried to show Homonationalist that this was wrong by using his hand on Homonationalist’s… tool because he concluded that with how feminine Homonationalist’s hands were, he might not see the wrongness, but it always escalated the situation.

“I will show you how you look when you do that,” Conservative cried out, dropping his pants and boxers to reveal his baby maker. For a moment, he hesitated. This was forbidden. He might not have been sure why, but it was. All the priests told him and he’s got several lectures on this topic during puberty. The situation called for it though. He wasn’t even doing it for his own pleasure, he was doing it to save his friend from devil. Also, his room was already clean enough for him to go and change the world.

He put on a heroic expression and started stroking himself. Homonationalist saw that and grinned. For some reason, this strategy didn’t work out as good as Conservative intended it to.

“It feels nice, doesn’t it?” The devil overtook him.

“It’s an illusion! You might feel happy right now, but you will feel terrible when you finish! This selfish… touchery is why the Western civilization declines! You are supposed to make babies with your wife, not to pleasure yourself! If your life didn’t lack order, you wouldn’t feel any need to do that!” He wasn’t telling this just to him, but also to himself as he felt being strongly tempted.

“And with whom are you making those babies?” Homonationalist must’ve thought he had a good point, but he was mistaken as always. If he really tried to find himself a wife, he could meet one in the church or he could use a Christian dating app Christndr. Actually, he attempted to get himself a woman like that one time, but it didn’t work out because he told her that her pleasure wasn’t essential for procreation and she immediately left. Whatever, facts over feelings. He still didn’t understand why she wanted to talk about such an unholy topic. It must be because she didn’t go to a proper religious school.

“I don’t need to make babies to know this.” For a while, they were just staring at each other while Homonationalist was, uh, playing with his, uh, thing and Conservative continued his mission to save him by playing with himself. Then, Homonationalist went for something on a table and threw it to Conservative who barely caught it.

“You know the rules. Use a condom or our fuck-session is over,” Homonationalist said and started putting it on. Conservative did the same since there was no point in starting an argument now. They’ve already had one during their first praying the gay away session. If there was one thing worse than gay sex it was gay sex with condoms. Did anyone in the Bible or in 12 Rules For Life have condoms? No. Simple.

“Aw. Look at the mess.” Homonationalist pointed at few water droplets on the floor. “No topping today because you couldn’t behave.”

“Anal sex is evil, don’t forget that!” So far, he was trying to teach Homonationalist the wrongness of this unholy act by doing it on him, but he always lost the fight with the devil possessing Homonationalist. Maybe this might show him how he normally looks. Or it will work out the same way touching himself did.

“Can I ask you about your diet?” Why was he asking that? Maybe he thought that he would regain his heterosexuality by eating the same food Conservative did. It didn’t really work like that, but he made a good step forward at least.

“I’m at day six of my seven day fasting. You should try it too. It really helps you to climb the dominance hierarchy.”

“Any digestive problems?” Homonationalist stared at him with raised eyebrows.

“I don’t remember my last poop. I already told you I’m fasting.”

“Good.” Homonationalist reached for lube. “Go on all fours.”

Conservative did as Homonationalist told him. First, he had to kick away their clothes though. He felt really bad about kicking that pocket edition of Bible. “I need to prepare you first. You don’t happen to have a history of sticking things up your ass, do you?”

“Of course I wouldn’t do such a thing,” Conservative said, shaking his head. “I was raised to be a good man of the Lord. I’m not full of lust like you.”

“Strong words from someone who regularly comes to fuck me and cums in fifteen seconds or less.” Homonationalist was preoccupied with sticking fingers in Conservative’s poophole.

“I’m saving you from your unholy desires,” Conservative said, trying to deny to himself that having fingers in there felt good for some reason.

“Sure. Explain it to yourself how you want.” The fingers there were feeling better and better with any passing moment. Homonationalist’s voice was, however, annoying.

“You wouldn’t need to prepare me if this was natural!”

“Fine, next time I’ll just shove my dick into you.” He didn’t have to look at him to know that Homonationalist rolled his eyes when he said it. There won’t be a next time. He will get dehomosexualized in a few minutes. Just after he sees how unnaturally man looks in a woman’s position, even though woman’s position should be lying on her back in the bed or standing in the kitchen.

“Are you ready?”

Conservative nodded. “My dark side of the Moon will save you, brother!”

“Stop it with that brother nonsense, we are not in Alabama,” Homonationalist said as his… antenna entered Conservative’s cave. Then he slightly slapped Conservative’s left half-moon. “That one’s for Jordan,” he said and slapped the right half-moon, “and that one’s for Peterson.”

Conservative let out a quiet moan. The temptation was strong. Not cumming immediately almost made him reflect on the fact that he visited Homonationalist more to fuck him than to exorcise him, that he actually enjoyed Homonationalist’s company most of the time, that he might be gay and that being a bottom didn’t feel so bad either, but then Homonationalist started talking.

“Do you think God watches us?” he asked.

“He watches everything. Also, He heard you using His name in vain,” Conservative said, turning his head at Homonationalist and giving him a mean stare.

“Oh, daddy, punish me!” Homonationalist said homosexually and started doing the thingy faster.

“He will if you won’t stop with this!” Conservative spat out.

“If God hates gays, why am I so fabulous?”

“Because you think you’re fabulous. You actually aren’t. It’s just an illusion created by…”

“Yeah, I get it, everything daddy doesn’t like is the work of devil. Good to know. Couldn’t you talk about something else?” Conservative opened his mouth just to close it immediately. For a while, they were both silent. Conservative focused on doing something with the chaos that went on in his mind.

“Drinking pause,” Homonationalist said, grabbed Conservative’s bottle of holy water and emptied it. Good, now the water could purify him from the inside. After that, he continued doing the do again.

“I thought about buying a lava lamp,” Homonationalist said. “What do you think? Would it fit the room?”

“Which color?”

“Pink.”

“I think it might fit in nice,” Conservative said. He wanted to add something about opulence and Homonationalist’s room looking more and more like bordello, but for some reason he stayed quiet. This was probably the first time they had a normal conversation during their… session. No. This wasn’t supposed to be normal. The devil nearly possessed him.

“Did you have any childhood problems?” Conservative asked.

“What do you mean?” Of course! To get rid of a problem, one must go to the root.

“Did your parents love you? Did you get rejected by a girl?”

“I rejected them all,” Homonationalist said, not addressing the other issue.

“Did you feel gay the first time short after a vaccination?” It must’ve been either that or the chemicals in the water.

“You’re seriously overdoing it now.”

“Sorry, I-” Why was he even apologizing? What was it with him today?

“Look, I don’t really know what kind of relationship we have, but it’s clear that I’m doing all the work,” Homonationalist sighed, “and I’m getting tired of that. I bottom for you without complaining that you never finish me, but you can’t keep your homophobia to normal levels.”

For some reason, Conservative felt sad. He needed to reexamine why. Was it because Homonationalist seemed disappointed by him, implied that he might not take him in for the next praying and because he didn’t want to hurt him in any way? No, it was because he was yet again unsuccessful at fighting the devil and his friend didn’t seem to put in any effort. It might be still a better idea to shut up.

“You don’t have to be quiet. Say something degrading,” Homonationalist demanded. What would be degrading enough it would please him?

“Ben Shapiro would destroy you in a debate with facts and logic,” Conservative said.

“Ah, yes. Fucks and logic. The two genders.” Conservative looked over his shoulder to find Homonationalist slightly smirking.

“He would look at you and then he would start talking really fast, like he always does and then Steven Crowder would come up to destroy you even more and then Alex Jones would be mocking and impersonating all three of you at InfoWars while yelling about breaking the conditioning and randomly tearing his T-shirt.” He felt Homonationalist’s nails digging deeper into his skin.

“Good, continue.”

“And then you would get triggered and Milo Long Surname would show up to amplify the homosexualism and he would laugh at you and film it and everyone would laugh at you forever because it doesn’t matter what you do if somebody films your breakdown on YouTube, you will be associated with that forever.” 

“Fuck yeah!” Homonationalist finished hecking. “I’m getting why some people like topping. I’ll finish you off in a moment.”

Conservative got up, his knees red. Maybe they should heck on a mat next time. Or in a bed with a traditional woman. Sure. Those sore knees must’ve been God’s punishment for disobeying Him. What would Jordan Peterson do in such a situation? Clean up a church?

His thoughts were disrupted by Homonationalist returning from somewhere back in the room and kneeling in front of him. “Time to say my prayers,” he said, his hands clasped like during a prayer except he held Conservative’s manhood in them. “Dorime, Ameno, Ameno, Something, Somethingeo, Dorime.” And he put that unholy stick into his mouth.

It was quite weird that Homonationalist was silent again. In a way, Conservative would like to hear more from him, only to understand his brother’s struggles of course, but he didn’t allow that to himself for some reason. He figured that guy might have a way more interesting life than him. Also, more sinful, as he quickly added to himself. This was no way to achieve happiness.

“I will tell you something about my favorite 12 Rules part if you want me to.” Homonationalist paid attention only to his pontifex maximus so he continued. “I really like how he talked about cleaning your room before changing the world. You know, it’s cliché and everyone knows that part, but I like it because…” As he felt himself being close to the feeling he wasn’t supposed to feel, he bit his fist.

“Aw, don’t restrain yourself,” Homonationalist said before getting preoccupied again.

“Ah… Doctor Professor!” Conservative gasped. When he thought clearly again, he started thinking about the fact that swallowing the… swimmers was a form of cannibalism, but then he remembered Homonationalist couldn’t swallow anything of his load since he had a condom.

“Have you ever thought of all those potential children? Isn’t it sad they don’t get to be conceived?” he shared his thoughts.

“Not really, I hate children,” Homonationalist said. Sure he did. Children were a sign of a healthy traditional family. That was something he wouldn’t understand.

Finally, he disposed himself of the condom and threw it out. Then came the hunt for the clothes on the ground. Meanwhile, Homonationalist started spraying the room with various perfumes he owned.

“It’s really smelly, you know.”

“Next time, you could visit me,” Conservative said, he himself surprised at this idea. Sure, if he entered one of the holier rooms in this house, he might actually start chasing some traditional wife.

“Great. Maybe we get to use the props next time. I’m going to take a shower, you want to go with me?” He should’ve. He was sweaty, messy and he really needed to wash it away. However, this was too tempting.

“No, thanks,” he shook his head, said his goodbyes and went back to studying the same two books he was studying all the time.

**Author's Note:**

> It occurred to me that I should change the rating, oops.


End file.
